friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
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Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.