friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
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Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
I gave up going to work for lent.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen