If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
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[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Made something I’m not proud of
constantly working on myself.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat