Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
You Might Also Like
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.