Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
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I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*