‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
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As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*