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@li4mst3w4rt: friend: "we should have a drink sometime"
*never contacts them again*
@MyNameIsPappyG: Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
@agathagotstoned: The plane starts going down. I say, "If we die, know that hat is hideous". We all survive. Great Aunt Mildred hasn't spoken to me since.
@AnOrangeSNES: "Jesus take the wheel!" I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
@_xLNc: I carry a knife whenever I'm running late to work because that's what Counterstrike taught me: "You always run faster with a knife".
@adriennekhals: Worst day. Had a tampon behind my ear all afternoon and still cant find my cigarette.