Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
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I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich