Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
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The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
the last thing a carrot sees
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.