I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
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[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Wednesday
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.