Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
You Might Also Like
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.