Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
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When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
When he asks for feet pics
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.