Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
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wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
I’ve been learning to cook.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter