FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
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Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
don’t we all
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.