Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
You Might Also Like
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
TRAIN’S HERE