Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
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Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
just make the entire table out of coaster
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.