friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
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Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car