friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
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*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable