FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
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A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.