Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
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[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me