FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
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Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you