The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
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Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!