Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
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this is how life feels
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
The “baby” on the left….
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..