Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
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My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Everyone’s family
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”