Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
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had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack