Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
You Might Also Like
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.