Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
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Wedding planning is organized crime.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.