[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
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At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.