[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
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Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along