Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
You Might Also Like
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read