Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
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“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
This is not me but this is me
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
so much to do
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what