Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
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I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
the Monday after daylight savings
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.