tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
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They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE