@originalgriz: Trump taking credit for Obama’s economy is like someone inheriting millions from his dad and bragging about what a smart businessman he is.

@MonSwanson: Oh, you fell in love?! I fell in my bathtub.

@DillDoes: "How's your sexual history?" Well doc, if i had to summarize it in one word it would be "deletable"

@junejuly12: Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn't seem to be working

@iGreenMonk: I'm so embarrassed. I just learned that that Pringles holder on my treadmill is for water bottles!