@lionprincessval: Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
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@Bizarro_Mark: Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
@ShesARealGenius: Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c'mere Me: Don't come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
@shutupmikeginn: Call me when you have $50,000 and you'll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I'll throw in a second kid as a gift.