Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
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[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad