[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
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*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
This anagram machine is out of order.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*