Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
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husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
That de-escalated quickly
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.