From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
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call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!