From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
You Might Also Like
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*