@bmarked21: From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I'm simply going to reply, "Hmm... I've seen better."
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@VeryLonelyLuke: Being a Jedi isn't all bad. I've been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
@UNTRESOR: "How did you sleep?" "On my back, mostly. At one point I tried to climb into my dryer but I couldn't fit."
@NicestHippo: We'd love to offer you the job [My phone buzzes] Congrats on your 250★ tweet! ME [leaving]: Lol no thanks I won't be needing to work anymore