From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
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Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.