FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
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2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess