@berniethoughts: FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN'T WANT TO BE EATEN
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@OfficialMizGin: Annoying guy trying to hit on me: This is like a scene from a romantic movie. Me: Yeah, I’m the iceberg and you’re the Titanic. #Queen
@envydatropic: First date - I'll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge Tenth date - I'll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
@DurtMcHurtt: Hobos are like cats, they'll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
@AbbyHasIssues: No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn't know you needed to buy the first time.