Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
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Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat