me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
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The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Okay me first
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
They’re called werewolves.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.