[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
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Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode