Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
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Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
😅🤣😂
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.