Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
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friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?