Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
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A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
happy valentine’s day to me
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Pat is about to own someone
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!