Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
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I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
sensitive skin
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
hi why am I like this
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.