Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
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He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.