Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
You Might Also Like
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…