Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
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Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!