Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
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Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*