FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
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I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character