FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
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If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
He died doing what he loved: being alive
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.